A Springer Episode

Make sure you keep your eyes open for the 1 hour long episode of Jerry Springer that will air in about 7 weeks. Yesterday Dusty and I drugged several of you for the entire day, flew all of us to the Springer set, and we had an entire hour to unload our horrid story to the video cameras. Here is a script of what went down:

A couple months ago after work I caught Dusty wearing high heals, a wig, jean mini skirt, makeup, and a yellow tube top. He was flouncing about the room singing a love song to "Kim". After a few weeks, I saw that Dusty was locking himself in the bedroom for hours at a time while talking on the phone with someone. Sometimes I would hear low grunting noises but I thought it was because he was farting. Finally I found a dirty e-mail from a woman named "Kim" addressed to Dusty talking about the time they had an affair. I was mad at Dusty so I called up Jerry Springer. He told us to come down for initial interview.

While down there, Jerry requested that he talk to Dusty alone. A couple hours later, a very sweaty Jerry and Dusty came out of the office. They claimed that the air conditioner broke down. We also had a mission: to drug some of our friends, place them in an airplane, and fly them down for the show. I didn't have an idea of what was going on, so I just went along with the plans.

Fast forward to yesterday: I was sitting alone on stage having an interview with Jerry Springer in front of the rowdy audience. I was wearing my very best outfit--purple leggings, stilletos, and a flannel with my hair in a side pony tail. I was telling Jerry about how I caught Dusty cross dressing and the e-mail.

DING-DING! rang the fake doorbell to announce that someone was coming onstage.

Dusty ran on stage in his full transexual outfit--a pink prom dress, tiara, red lipstick, and a bright blonde wig. He remained standing, hands on his hips, glaring at me.

"Bitch, you know I've been cheating on you," he said. Instantly I was filled with furry. I ran straight towards hit, landing a punch in his butt and pulling off his wig. The security held us apart until I lunged at him again. This time I ripped the front of his prom dress so his man titties were exposed.

"You lying fucker! I thought you loved me! I bought the trailer we live in and we have two kids together!" I screamed, my shirt half falling off. My side pony tail was now ruined, but I didn't care.

"Well, I've been dressing like this for years and I have a secret for you," he replied.

DING-DING! rang the fake doorbell again.

In walked Tim, wearing tight green biker shorts and a wife beater. He walked straight to Dusty and they embraced. The entire crowd went wild. I lunged once again, this time at Tim. He delivered a single blow to my head and I went down like a sack of potatoes.

DING-DING! rang the fake doorbell. Dusty and Tim looked bewildered as I lay unconscious on the floor.

In strode Jen, Tim's pregnant wife, wearing a mini skirt and wife beater herself. "Tim, you lying sack of shit. I can't believe you did this to me!" She ran to me and kicked my swiftly in the face, then ran to Tim and backhanded him. Tim didn't move.

"Ok, ok," said Jerry, who was much more confused than before. "Dusty, what is going on here?"

"Well...I've been with that Julie for a couple years now but what she didn't know is that I'm a transexual with Tim, and have been for almost 10 years. It's him that I sing to and send e-mails to, there is no girl named Kim. I'm here because..."

All of a sudden, Dusty got down on his knees in front of Tim. He pulled out a small velvet box and with tears glistening in his eyes, "Tim, will you marry me?"

Jen let out an ear piercing scream and attacked Dusty. The two rolled around on stage exchanging slaps and hair pulls. Tim stared blankly at the ground. When the security guards finally pulled Dusty and Jen apart, Jerry asked,

"So Tim, what are you going to do?"

Tim looked at his pregnant wife, who was no longer wearing her skirt and half of her scalp was missing. He then looked at Dusty, whose pink prom dress was in tatters, exposing his man titties while his beautiful red lipstick was smeared across his face.

"Dusty, I do!" he proclaimed. Dusty ran to Tim, and once again they embraced and shared a passionate kiss. Jen ran offstage.

"But, but", sputtered Jerry. "Dusty, you promised you would be with me!"