Shame

The silence in this small apartment is deafening at times. The cheap plastic clock ticks loudly as each second passes. I can hear the neighbor turning on the faucet and Dusty's soft snores rolling out of our bedroom. Small birds are chirping outside and I feel so wonderfully alone. This makes me happy.

I was never an introvert until this past fall. I'm so used to being the loud one, the crazy obnoxious girl at parties, the one who always voiced her opinion. This disease that I inherited has quieted my voice. I've crawled within myself for the comfort that I can not find in others.

Now I crave the silence and the moments I get to spend writing and reading. Everything about my life has changed except for the few who have stayed by my side. I treasure those people so much that they don't even realize it.

I feel I contradict myself when I say that drunks piss me off. Loud people irritate me and smoky crowded bars make me claustrophobic. For that is the lifestyle that I used to crave a year ago. People just don't understand how much in a person can change when they are faced with dying.

I've found that if I comment on how much drinking makes me ornery, people look at me and say, "well you didn't think that a couple months ago". No, I didn't. Drinking used to be my life. Now it's not. I'm an entirely different person now that I don't depend on a liquid friend for comfort. Shame on you who think I shouldn't change. Shame on you who think I'm bitter. For I'm not bitter anymore, and I have changed whether you like it or not. For this,

SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT ACCEPTING ME AS I AM. You are not worth my time or energy.

What we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone
Past yourself forget the light, things look dirty when it's on
Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to
You
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame
What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how
They go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame
We never thought we'd get so troubled
We could never think that much
It should never get this bad
So let the wind blow ya, across a big floor
But there's no one around who can tell us what we're here
Funny in a certain light, how we all look the same
And there's no one in life you can remember ever stood
For you.