Slightly Down
I was told the first couple months after being diagnosed/surgery would be the worst. Especially mentally. It's been incredibly difficult for me to keep on being hopeful. I try and keep a smile on my face and act like I'm loving life, but quite frankly, right now it SUCKS. I keep on thinking WHY? I suppose everyone asks that at some point of their lives.
I saw my surgeon today and was told that my pancreas has not healed as much as he had wanted it to, therefore indicating permanent damage. I have a cat scan in two weeks to see just how bad it actually is.
I feel like a ticking time bomb. At any point of my life, at any second of any day, I can and will have a relapse. Several of them in a lifetime WILL occur. Which actually cuts my lifespan down alot. Luckily I will be able to start seeing a blood specialist this month who will be able to help me with my hyperlipidemia. I just sit here and wonder--when is the next time I'll be in the hospital for a week or more with pancreatitis? Next week? Next year?
I'm sorry this entry is so...NOT ME.
I'm also meeting with the Family Independence Agency next monday to discuss my eligibility for health insurance. I was thinking today--what will happen if I'm denied the second time? I have a bill of $45,000 sitting on my dresser. Another $5,000 in other bills. $200/month in prescriptions. Doctor visits. I'll have to quit all of that because I don't have enough money to barely scrape by. Then I will be able to count down the days until I die.
STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE!
But it's so true. It'll happen.
So what good things have happened? Dusty and I went home for the weekend. It was really nice. We got to see Katie and Tom, a crazy basketball game in which punches were thrown, and Dusty's grandmother's 90th birthday. It was a very nice weekend spent at home.
I was also able to register for classes (after pulling many teeth at the college). I'm in History of the American Woman and British Literature along with an independent study course. It should be an interesting semester!
I saw my surgeon today and was told that my pancreas has not healed as much as he had wanted it to, therefore indicating permanent damage. I have a cat scan in two weeks to see just how bad it actually is.
I feel like a ticking time bomb. At any point of my life, at any second of any day, I can and will have a relapse. Several of them in a lifetime WILL occur. Which actually cuts my lifespan down alot. Luckily I will be able to start seeing a blood specialist this month who will be able to help me with my hyperlipidemia. I just sit here and wonder--when is the next time I'll be in the hospital for a week or more with pancreatitis? Next week? Next year?
I'm sorry this entry is so...NOT ME.
I'm also meeting with the Family Independence Agency next monday to discuss my eligibility for health insurance. I was thinking today--what will happen if I'm denied the second time? I have a bill of $45,000 sitting on my dresser. Another $5,000 in other bills. $200/month in prescriptions. Doctor visits. I'll have to quit all of that because I don't have enough money to barely scrape by. Then I will be able to count down the days until I die.
STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE!
But it's so true. It'll happen.
So what good things have happened? Dusty and I went home for the weekend. It was really nice. We got to see Katie and Tom, a crazy basketball game in which punches were thrown, and Dusty's grandmother's 90th birthday. It was a very nice weekend spent at home.
I was also able to register for classes (after pulling many teeth at the college). I'm in History of the American Woman and British Literature along with an independent study course. It should be an interesting semester!
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